Online dating rules for tinder

Once upon a time, internet dating was a vaguely embarrassing pursuit. Who wanted to be one of those lonely hearts trolling the singles bars of cyberspace? These days, however, the New York Times Vows section—famous for its meet-cute stories of the blissfully betrothed—is full of couples who trumpet the love they found through Ok Cupid or Tinder. Today an estimated one-third of marrying couples in the U.S. met online, and as many as 15 percent of American adults have used dating sites or apps. (Even Martha Stewart, who in 2013 declared in her Match profile that she was looking for a “lover of animals, grandchildren, and the outdoors.” Martha, have you considered Raya, the private celebrity dating app?)

Locking eyes across a crowded room might make for a lovely song lyric, but when it comes to romantic potential, nothing rivals technology, according to Helen Fisher, PhD, a biological anthropologist, senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, and chief scientific adviser to Match. “It’s more possible to find someone now than at probably any other time in history, particularly if you’re older. You don’t have to stand in a bar and wait for the right one to come along,” says Fisher. “And we’ve found that people looking for a sweetheart on the internet are more likely to have full-time employment and higher education, and to be seeking a long-term partner. Online dating is the way to go—you just have to learn to work the system.”

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So take heart: Whether you’re a first-time player or a seasoned contestant who wants to up her game, our troubleshooting guide is here to help, with advice from both experts and survivors on how to search strategically, handle setbacks gracefully, maintain sanity, and enjoy the ride—with minimal agony and maximum ecstasy. Your eligible bachelor awaits!

How To...Get Better at Online Dating

For guidance, O Style Features Director Holly Carter turned to a pro.

Seven years ago, I signed up for Match.com, but I never took it seriously. For me, online dating is like exercise: At the end of the day, it’s easier to watch TV. But at 44, I started to realize that if I want a companion before Social Security kicks in, I have to leave the couch. I needed a trainer, someone who could help me focus—only instead of getting defined abs, I’d get a mate (hopefully, with defined abs). Enter Damona Hoffman, dating coach and host of the Dates & Mates podcast, who promises rapid results if I just follow a few tough-love rules....

TRUE CONFESSIONS:

“I got a surprise phone call from their wife."

Married daters are more common than we’d like to think, says dating coach Laurel House, host of the podcast The Man Whisperer. Her tip: “A little pre-date due diligence is smart. Do a Google image search with his photo to see if it links to a Facebook or Instagram account.” This can also protect you from scam artists—be wary if the photos seem too perfect or his language is considerably more fluent in his profile than in his messages. And if he tells you he lost his wallet and needs a loan? Run.

Treat it like it's your job.

The first thing Hoffman tells me: “This takes time and attention. I want you to be on the site at least three hours a week.” Uh-oh. That’s three episodes of The Sinner.

Put style in your profile.

Kindly, Hoffman refrains from mocking my unassisted self-description: “I’m a loving person who likes trying new restaurants and a sweet treat before bed.” (I never realized how dirty that sounds.) She asks about my hobbies, how my coworkers would fill in the “most likely to” blank. She then revises my profile, noting that I love cooking vegetables I grow in my garden, that Dave Chappelle has my kind of humor, that “meeting new people excites me: I could spend half an hour talking to the cashiers at Trader Joe’s.”

Tip: Whenever I meet someone for the first time, I drop a pin and let a friend know where I am.

Three-quarters of the profile should be about me, and the other quarter about what I want in a mate, says Hoffman, who tells me to be specific here, too: The goal isn’t to attract everyone, it’s to find The One. We come up with “My ideal match is someone who loves family, has an opinion on current events, and can hold his own at a cocktail party on a Friday night, then chill with me on a lazy Saturday.” The final touch is a headline that sums up my approach to life, like a personal slogan. Hoffman suggests “Family. Kindness. Friends. Faith. That’s what I value most.” Hmm. I’m spiritual and go to church, but “faith” sounds heavy. I swap it for “fun.”

TRUE CONFESSIONS:

"He sent a really personal photo."

Why does a man have to text a pic of his penis when "Hello" would suffice? One possible explanation, offered by Justin Lehmiller, PhD, research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want, is that men tend to overestimate the sexual interest of women they casually encounter, so they may assume the "gift" will be welcome. And if they occasionally get a positive response, they may figure it can't hurt to try again. "In psychology research, we call this a 'variable reinforcement schedule,'" Lehmiller says. "It's like a slot machine—the majority of the time, you pull the lever and nothing happens, but every once in a while, there's a payoff." A deflating solution from one online dater: "Draw a face on it and send it back to him."

Work your angles.

Hoffman looks at my photos and nixes the corporate headshot and mirror selfie. “You want to look natural and inviting. Mirror selfies often give off an air of vanity.” She says the best profile shots feature the three Cs: color (vibrant shades, especially red, grab attention), context (pics that involve your hobbies, like travel or, say, clog dancing), and character (something quirky or funny, “like you in your Halloween costume”).

For the main photo, we do a close headshot where I’m smiling into the camera. For the others, we do one of me outside in a green dress, one where I’m wearing something sparkly, and another where I’m standing on an escalator. This doesn’t reveal much about me besides my aversion to stairs, but it’s a full body shot, which Hoffman recommends. Agreed—as a curvy girl, I want to avoid first-date surprises.

I skip quirky. I haven’t worn a Halloween costume since I went as a pack of grape Hubba Bubba in sixth grade.

TRUE CONFESSIONS:

“The photo was dreamy. The reality is...scary.”

If they're older/paunchier/have more neck bolts than he does in the photos, choose compassion, says New York dating coach Connell Barrett. “He probably lied because it’s a sore spot.” Just have one polite drink. Who knows? You may wind up charmed—and it’s the human thing to do.

Take charge.

One reason I’ve been passive about online dating: Most of the guys have been a little conservative for my taste. (When you’re a black woman in your 40s, why do all your matches look like George Jefferson?) Hoffman says the algorithm, like a boyfriend, can’t read my mind; I need to message and “like” guys I find appealing if I want to start seeing similar people in my results. Plus, being more active should bump my profile toward the top, so I’ll be more visible.

Tip: I try to appreciate the bad dates. The craziest nights are your best stories.

I should make my messages personal, advises Hoffman: “Comment on something in his profile and follow with a question.” Dutifully, I tell one bespectacled prospect, “I like melty ice cream, too. What’s your favorite flavor?” I have some interesting chats, but nothing leads anywhere. After a lengthy back-and-forth with a cute guy who asks why I’m still single (beats me!), I try a Hoffman move, writing, “That’s a story better told over a drink.” He suggests... chicken fingers. As in fast food? Is this a sex thing I don’t know about?

But then—success! Someone “likes” me and asks me out within three messages. He’s into photography and makes his own pasta—and he is an Adonis. We have a short phone call, as Hoffman recommends, to set something up. His voice is velvety, but I’m skeptical. That’s online dating: You meet the freakazoids and think, This is the worst. You find someone great and think, Am I going to be on the next episode of Catfish?

TRUE CONFESSIONS:

"They're cute! They're fun! They vanished."

Ghosting happens to the best of us, says therapist and dating coach Melanie Hersch. To stay sane, she says, “stop telling yourself stories to explain it, like ‘It’s because I’m not good enough.’ Trying to figure out why someone didn’t choose you is like trying to swim with ankle weights: You’ll get pulled right down instead of moving forward. Let him disappear and make way for the partner you deserve.”

Don't rush it.

On the day of the date, I meet him at a restaurant. (Hoffman wouldn’t approve; she said to make the first date a quick drink, one hour max, but when Hunkamania suggested dinner, I couldn’t resist.) He’s just as swoon worthy in person as his photos! I’m supposed to focus on how I feel, not on “the package”—but it’s hard when the package is so beautifully wrapped.

He's sweet, too, talking about his grandma, and we follow dinner with drinks. By the time he drops me off at my door, I’ve exceeded my time limit by three hours and 32 minutes. It’s kind of like blowing a diet: You know what you’re supposed to do, but then you see dessert, and will power goes out the window. I realize I got lucky, that this was the dating equivalent of finding a magical unicorn. Plenty of my friends do online dating like it’s an Olympic sport, and they’ve had the most romantic evenings of their lives with guys who then promptly vaporize into the earth’s atmosphere. But whatever happens, it feels good to be back in the game. I decide to message Mr. Chicken Fingers, knowing I shouldn’t put all my eggs in one basket.

TRUE CONFESSIONS:

"They sent a Venmo request for my half of the bill."

That’s not only unchivalrous but passive-aggressive, says Barrett. “When this happened to a friend of mine, she sent the entire amount with a note that said, ‘Looks like you need this more than I do.’”

How to...Increase Your Odds of Finding a Match

Meet 9 people. Our brains are best equipped to handle five to nine options—any more, and we go into cognitive overload. “At that point you just start looking for reasons to say no, like ‘Look at his ugly shoes,’” says Fisher. Pick nine, meet in person, then take a break while you get to know at least one.

Set 3 deal-breakers. “If there’s something you truly can’t tolerate—smoking, for instance—okay, but I give clients a limit,” says House.“Most people focus on wants: hot, funny. You find the right one when you focus on needs: communication, mutual respect.”

Give it 3 dates. “Even if you don’t feel ‘chemistry,’” says House. “Chemistry doesn’t last. Attraction is important, but if someone meets your needs, you may find the attraction follows.”

TRUE CONFESSIONS:

"He said we'd have great kids, and later texted 'Are we a couple?' It was our first date."

If you don’t want to ghost or fake your death, says Barrett, text back: “I had a great time, but I’ve had a couple of dates with someone else, and I’d like to see where it goes. But there’s an amazing woman out there who will be lucky to get you.”

How to...Find the Best Dating Platform

If you seek: Wedded bliss

Eharmony
Answer an in-depth survey based on 29 “dimensions of compatibility” (e.g., humor, physical energy, communication style), then get a new list of potential soul mates regularly—no searching required.

If you seek: Other grownups

Match
Don’t worry, someone here will get your pop culture references: 39 percent of Match users are in the 37–52 age group, and 27 percent are between 53 and 72.

If you seek: The hip crowd

OkCupid
An entertaining questionnaire (“Do you believe in dinosaurs?”) and open options: Look for anything from a partner to a polyamorous paramour.

If you seek: The driver’s seat

Bumble
With this app, every night is ladies’ night: Swipe right on an attractive gentleman, and if he’s interested, it’s up to you to make the first move.

If you seek: Maximum efficiency

Tinder
The “swipe surge” feature, available in select cities, alerts you when the app is getting a lot of action, so you can get some, too.

If you seek: A date with destiny

Happn
This geolocation-based app shows you well-matched users who are close by; check your Timeline to find hot prospects who have recently crossed your path.

If you seek: A big pond

Plenty of Fish
Cast a really wide net on this free site with more than 150 million users; quiz lovers will dig the cheekily revealing questions about relationship needs and seduction styles.

TRUE CONFESSIONS:

"We're perfect, but their profile is still up."

Hold off on The Talk until the three-month mark, which gives him a chance to form an attachment, advises psychiatrist Ish Major, MD, co-host of WE TV’s Marriage Bootcamp Reality Stars. “And at that point, if he shares your feelings, you’ll be more comfortable defining expectations. If he doesn’t, it maybe time to think about moving on.”

Illustrations by Annie Wu.

This story originally appeared in the February 2019 issue of O.

Meeting new people is exciting, but you should always be cautious when interacting with someone you don’t know. Use your best judgment and put your safety first, whether you are exchanging initial messages or meeting in person. While you can’t control the actions of others, there are things you can do to help you stay safe during your Tinder experience.

Online Safety

• Never Send Money or Share Financial Information

  Never send money, especially over wire transfer, even if the person claims to be in an emergency. Wiring money is like sending cash — it’s nearly impossible to reverse the transaction or trace where the money went. Never share information that could be used to access your financial accounts. If another user asks you for money, report it to us immediately.

  For tips on avoiding romance scams, check out some advice from the U.S Federal Trade Commission on the FTC website.

• Protect Your Personal Information

  Never share personal information, such as your social security number, home or work address, or details about your daily routine (e.g., that you go to a certain gym every Monday) with people you don’t know. If you are a parent, limit the information that you share about your children on your profile and in early communications. Avoid sharing details such as your children’s names, where they go to school, or their ages or genders.

• Stay on the Platform

  Keep conversations on the Tinder platform while you’re getting to know someone. Because exchanges on Tinder are subject to our Safe Message Filters (learn more here), users with bad intentions often try to move the conversation to text, messaging apps, email, or phone right away.

• Be Wary of Long Distance and Overseas Relationships

  Watch out for scammers who claim to be from your country but stuck somewhere else, especially if they ask for financial help to return home. Be wary of anyone who will not meet in person or talk on a phone/video call—they may not be who they say they are. If someone is avoiding your questions or pushing for a serious relationship without meeting or getting to know you first — that’s a red flag.

• Report All Suspicious and Offensive Behavior

  You know when someone’s crossed the line and when they do, we want to know about it. Block and report anyone that violates our terms. Here are some examples of violations:

  • Requests for money or donations
  • Underage users
  • Harassment, threats, and offensive messages
  • Inappropriate or harmful behavior during or after meeting in person
  • Fraudulent profiles
  • Spam or solicitation including links to commercial websites or attempts to sell products or services

  You can report any concerns about suspicious behavior from any profile page or messaging window here. For more information, check out our Community Guidelines.

• Protect Your Account

  Be sure to pick a strong password, and always be careful when logging into your account from a public or shared computer. Tinder will never send you an email asking for your username and password information — if you receive an email asking for account information, report it immediately.

Meeting in Person

• Don’t Be In A Rush

  Take your time and get to know the other person before agreeing to meet or chat off Tinder. Don’t be afraid to ask questions to screen for any red flags or personal dealbreakers. A phone or video call can be a useful screening tool before meeting.

• Meet in Public and Stay in Public

  Meet for the first few times in a populated, public place — never at your home, your date’s home, or any other private location. If your date pressures you to go to a private location, end the date.

• Tell Friends and Family About Your Plans

  Tell a friend or family member of your plans, including when and where you’re going. Have your cell phone charged and with you at all times.

• Be in Control of Your Transportation

  We want you to be in control of how you get to and from your date so that you can leave whenever you want. If you’re driving yourself, it’s a good idea to have a backup plan such as a ride-share app or a friend to pick you up.

• Know Your Limits

  Be aware of the effects of drugs or alcohol on you specifically — they can impair your judgment and your alertness. If your date tries to pressure you to use drugs or drink more than you’re comfortable with, hold your ground and end the date.

• Don’t Leave Drinks or Personal Items Unattended

  Know where your drink comes from and know where it is at all times — only accept drinks poured or served directly from the bartender or server. Many substances that are slipped into drinks to facilitate sexual assault are odorless, colorless, and tasteless. Also, keep your phone, purse, wallet, and anything containing personal information on you at all times.

• If You Feel Uncomfortable, Leave

  It’s okay to end the date early if you’re feeling uncomfortable. In fact, it’s encouraged. And if your instincts are telling you something is off or you feel unsafe, ask the bartender or server for help.

• LGBTQ+ Travel

  Be careful while traveling

  We recognize and believe in the importance of being inclusive of all gender identities and sexual orientations, but the reality is this: nowhere in the world is without potential risk, and some countries have specific laws that target LGBTQ+ people.

  Check out the laws around you when you travel to a new place and research what types of legal protection, if any, are available to you based on sexual orientation. In the event that you’re in unsafe territory, we suggest toggling off “Show me on Tinder” which you can find under the settings page.

  If you have added a sexual orientation to your profile and choose to be shown on Tinder, we will hide your sexual orientation from your profile until you leave that area.

  It’s important to exercise extra caution if you choose to connect with new people in these countries - as some law enforcement have been known to use dating apps as tools for potential entrapment. Some countries have also recently introduced laws that criminalize communications between individuals on same-sex dating applications or websites and even aggravate penalties if that communication leads to sexual encounters.

  Visit ILGA World to see the latest sexual orientation laws by country, and consider donating to support their research.

  Source: ILGA World, Updated March 2019

Sexual Health & Consent

• Protect Yourself

  When used correctly and consistently, condoms can significantly reduce the risk of contracting and passing on STI’s like HIV. But, be aware of STIs like herpes or HPV that can be passed on through skin-to-skin contact. The risk of contracting some STIs can be reduced through vaccination.

• Know Your Status

  Not all STIs show symptoms, and you don’t want to be in the dark about your status. Stay on top of your health and prevent the spread of STIs by getting tested regularly. Here’s where you can find a clinic near you (US only).

• Talk About It

  Communication is everything: Before you get physically intimate with a partner, talk about sexual health and STI testing. And be aware — in some places, it’s actually a crime to knowingly pass on an STI. Need help starting the conversation? Here are some tips.

• Consent

  All sexual activity must start with consent and should include ongoing check-ins with your partner. Verbal communication can help you and your partner ensure that you respect each other’s boundaries. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, and sex is never owed to anyone. Do not proceed if your partner seems uncomfortable or unsure, or if your partner is unable to consent due to the effects of drugs or alcohol. Read more about it here.

Resources for Help, Support, or Advice

Remember — even if you follow these tips, no method of risk reduction is perfect. If you have a negative experience, please know that it is not your fault and help is available. Report any incidents Tinder, and consider reaching out to one of the resources below. If you feel you are in immediate danger or need emergency assistance, call 911 (U.S. or Canada) or your local law enforcement agency.

RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-HOPE (4673) online.rainn.org www.rainn.org

Planned Parenthood
1-800-230-7526

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Tinder Etiquette – Tinder Rules Guide [Do’s and Don’ts!]

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