Dating a mean guy

It can feel very easy to pick out toxic relationships from the outside. When your BFF's boyfriend isn't treating her well, you're all over her case to end it. Or, when a celebrity's significant other cheats on them, you let your opinion be known on Twitter. The same might not go when you're in a toxic relationship, though. Yes, there are some red flags that really can't be ignored. If you get cheated on, or if your S.O. is verbally or physically abusive, you may realize you have to GTFO of that relationship. But often, red flags are more subtle, and easily forgiven, and sometimes you may even find yourself ignoring the really bad ones because you don't want to admit the person you love isn’t actually that great for you, or that the relationship just isn’t good for either of you. It's important to be able to notice red flags in your relationship so you can deal with them appropriately and decide if this relationship is really the best one for you. If you think your bae may be exhibiting some of these behaviors, check out these 21 red flags and see if any of them apply to your relationship.

1. They make you feel bad about yourself.

You deserve to date someone who treats you like royalty, period. If your S.O. wants you to change (by dressing differently, blowing off your friends, or drinking and partying when that's not your scene) that's a sign they don't really like you for you, and you deserve someone much better. Also, your S.O is constantly putting you down, or if their behavior towards you makes you question your self-worth, it’s time to say goodbye. A good relationship will lift you up and make you feel good, not knock you down.

2. They have you second-guessing their feelings toward you.

Games aren't cool, especially when you're in a relationship. It should be obvious that your bae is into you, or else what's the point of dating? If it's not so clear, that's a red flag that merits a serious conversation.

"When we enter into a relationship with someone, we have a need to feel bonded or connected, and if this bond is threatened, we become anxious, unable to think clearly, and often lash out or demand proof that we can count on the other person," says Clinical Psychologist Dr. Rune Moelbak.

While at the beginning of a relationship, your S.O. may go out of their way to show their love for you, sometimes that wanes off as the relationship sustains itself for a few months or years. Of course, they don't have to bring you flowers everyday, but you should never be doubting their feelings for you, even a year into a relationship. Your bae should want to show you how much they care about you because it will make them happy too.

3. They don't listen to you.

If your S.O. never pays attention when you talk to them, what's the point of dating? They don't need to recall your conversations word for word, but they should put their phone down for a sec (yes, really), listen, and offer thoughtful input. That goes double when you're stressed or upset. Sure, their eyes might glaze over when you're obsessing over Justin Bieber for the millionth time, but anyone who is worth your time should take a genuine interest in you and your life.

4. They don't support your goals.

Maybe you ask them to run flashcards before your big test and they say no. Or maybe you talk about your big dreams of running your own company one day and they laugh you off like they don't believe you can do it. That sucks. In the long run, you'll be happiest and most successful with someone who has total faith in your abilities by your side. If your bae is always shooting down your goals, they might just be insecure about their future. But that's no reason for them to bring you down. Whoever you date should believe in you and support your dreams and ambitions.

5. They pressure you to get physical before you're ready.

Choosing to hook up or have sex can be a big decision. There's no reason to rush into it until you're really ready. The right person will respect you by listening to your boundaries and taking things at a pace you're both comfortable with.

6. The relationship is all about them.

You hang out at your S.O.'s house when it's convenient for their schedule and get pizza because it's their favorite food. And while that's totally cool once in awhile, relationships are about give and take. If they can't let you choose what to watch on Netflix or talk about what's on your mind sometimes, they're way too selfish to be in a relationship. It's all about compromise and if they don't get it they shouldn't get you.

7. They never compliment you.

Even shy or stoic people can open up every once in awhile to say nobody makes them laugh like you do, or that your performance in the school play deserved an Oscar, or that you look like a freaking supermodel in that dress. Your S.O. doesn't need to fawn all over you every second of every day, but a compliment every once in a while is nice to hear and it's pretty standard in a relationship.

8. They don't try to get along with your friends or family.

Your bae doesn't have to be besties with your besties, but they should make a serious effort to get along with the people who are important to you. And they should want to introduce you to their family and friends as well. If your friends and family don't have heart-eyes for them, they might be picking up on red flags that you're too smitten to see.

9. Your friends think your S.O. sucks.

Chatting with friends should be fun and easy. If you're doing mental gymnastics to avoid dropping your bae's name and incurring the wrath of your friends' haterade, that's a huge red flag. Unless they're jealous monsters, they aren't randomly hating on your S.O. just to hate. They know you deserve way better (and wish you knew that, too).

10. You've never met their friends.

In all the time you've spent together, you've heard countless hilarious stories about your bae's friends Andy and Taylor. So... where are they? If you've been dating for awhile and still haven't met their friends, that's pretty suspicious. Your S.O. may not mean to hide you away, but if they make up sketchy excuses when you tell them you'd love to meet the crew, it might be a sign something's not right.

11. They call you crazy.

"Crazy" is what people call girls when they want to invalidate their feelings and experiences. It's a red flag that they aren't mature enough to really listen to you, and own up to their behavior. And if they swear up and down that every single one of their exes are crazy, it may be a sign you should run. The common denominator in that ~crazy~ sitch is bae.

12. They check out other people.

Obviously, people allowed to think others are cute, but you should feel confident enough in your relationship to know that your S.O. is only into you. If they're ignoring you and staring at the girl across the room when you're literally right there, this person is not worth your time. It's human nature to notice when other people are cute, but they shouldn't make you feel bad or insecure every time you go out.

13. They cheat on you.

Leave. Seriously, get out. Pronto. They'll do it again, and even if they don't, you deserve someone who would never violate your trust and risk your relationship like that.

14. You always text your bae back right away, but they take their sweet time to respond to you.

If your S.O. goes a few hours without returning your text every once in awhile, it's NBD. If they rarely write back on time and sometimes not at all, consider why you text them back right away. Because talking to them gives you butterflies? Because you're having a fantastic conversation? Because you're polite? And why aren't they returning the favor? If their texting fails bother you, let them know. Your bae might not realize you're counting the minutes between responses. Or they might not feel the same way about you—in which case, you don't need that in your life.

15. They get jealous when you spend time away from them.

A healthy relationship involves spending time together, sure, but it also includes time apart. If your S.O. gets salty once, they might just feel left out. Schedule a date night ASAP and invite them to tag along during the next group outing. Also, try to talk it out with your bae and figure out why they get so jealous. "The ability to be in a loving relationship requires of us that we develop greater comfort with talking to our partner about those fears and those vulnerabilities that often lie buried underneath our attempts to control and dominate," said Dr. Moelbak. "For this reason, couples need to find a different way to negotiate differences between them. They must not resort to blaming the other person or invalidating the other person’s needs." If they repeatedly have trouble trusting you to be on your own, that's a huge red flag that they could be unnecessarily controlling or even abusive now or at some point in the future.

16. They blame you during every argument—and never apologize when they're the one who messed up.

Look, no one's perfect and relationships can be tough to navigate sometimes. Maybe you did something to bug your bae once or twice. Womp, womp. That doesn't give them license to blame everything that goes wrong in your relationship on you. And in fact, doing that is just hurting the relationship more. "Although blaming the other person temporarily gives you respite from your own guilt, sadness, or sense of deficiency, batting this deficiency over to the other side is only going to lead to more distress in your partner, which is no overall gain for the relationship," said Dr. Moelbak. When they screws up or hurts your feelings, they have a responsibility to own up and say their sorry. If Bieber can do it, so can your bae.

17. They threaten to break up with you all the time.

This is emotionally manipulative behavior. You shouldn't have to go through life cringing every time you say or do anything, worrying that your S.O. is going to drop you for good. You should feel secure in your relationship and comfortable enough to be yourself around your bae, not walking on eggshells constantly.

18. They always flake out on plans.

If your S.O. cancels one date to study for a big test, that's understandable. If they constantly flakes out because they want to play video games at home, or something better came up, that means you're dealing with someone who respect you or your time. Save your time for someone who will make time to hang out, because they can't wait to spend time with you.

19. They never take you out on a real date.

We're not saying your bae sucks if they can't afford to take you on fancy dates all the time. But if your S.O. never wants to go out in public together, whether it's to grab fro yo, see a movie, or hit up a party instead of just hooking up at home every single time you two hang out, that's a sign they're not ready to commit. Either they're not listening to you (see #3), they're more interested in hooking up than having a real relationship, they're sketchily trying to hide you, or they're just lazy AF and not putting any effort into the relationship. Whatever it is, you're worth more than that and you deserve someone who wants to show you off.

20. They're not cool about the things you like.

There's a difference between gently teasing you for your Pretty Little Liars obsession and making you feel dumb for caring about what's going on in Rosewood. That difference, BTW, is R-E-S-P-E-C-T. You S.O. doesn't need to love everything you love, but they shouldn't make you feel bad for liking the things you like.

21. They never talk about the future.

While its’s important to live in the moment, you also want to know if your s.o. committed to building a future with you. Now, this doesn’t have to mean that you’ll be together for 4o years (though you could be!). But it’s nice to see that your bae wants to make plans for the holidays or for next summer to show that they take your relationship as seriously as you do.

Term in popular psychology

For other uses, see Nice Guy (disambiguation).

"Nice guy" is an informal term, commonly used with either a literal or a sarcastic meaning, for a man (often a young adult).

In the literal sense, the term describes a man who is agreeable, gentle, compassionate, sensitive and vulnerable.^[1] The term is used both positively and negatively.^[2] When used positively, and particularly when used as a preference or description by someone else, it is intended to imply a man who puts the needs of others before his own, avoids confrontations, does favors, provides emotional support, tries to stay out of trouble, and generally acts nicely towards others.^[3] In the context of a relationship, it may also refer to traits of honesty, loyalty, romanticism, courtesy, and respect.

When used negatively, a nice guy implies a man who is unassertive or otherwise "non-masculine". The opposite of a genuine "nice guy" is commonly described as a "jerk", a term for a mean, selfish and uncaring person. A man is labeled a “jerk” on how he treats his partner, seen as the extreme case where he would not have a sensitive or kind side and is seen as a “macho man” and insensitive type.^[4]

However, the term is also often used sarcastically, particularly in the context of dating,^[1] to describe someone who believes himself to possess genuine "nice guy" characteristics, even though he actually does not, and who uses acts of friendship and basic social etiquette with the ulterior aim of progressing to a romantic or sexual relationship.^[5][6]

There is also a new construct that is where this is known as the "Nice Guy Syndrome". This is when these men who act nice, gentle, and respectful expect that they are entitled to women because they are the "nice guy." These nice deeds are performed by these "nice guys" in an attempt to please women into a relationship.

Research on female preferences[edit]

"Nice guy" construct[edit]

In their qualitative analysis, Herold and Milhausen^[7] found that women associate different qualities with the "nice guy" label: "Some women offered flattering interpretations of the 'nice guy', characterizing him as committed, caring, and respectful of women. Some women, however, emphasized more negative aspects, considering the 'nice guy' to be boring, lacking confidence, and unattractive."^[8] The "bad boys" were also divided into two categories, "as either confident, attractive, sexy, and exciting or as manipulative, unfaithful, disrespectful of women, and interested only in sex." This distinction helped further the understanding of why women might prefer "nice guys" or "not-nice guys". Women were also asked for their preferences and what values they may look in each relationship, such as attractiveness, and sexual desires in short- and long-term relationships.^{[further explanation needed][8]}

Nice guys are sometimes suggested to be overbearing or lacking in vision and ambitions; these opinions suggest self-confidence as a key point and area of improvement. Often these ideas and views of a certain nice guy can contribute to a woman's willingness to pursue a romantic relationship.^[9]

Researchers have therefore operationalized the "nice guy" and "jerk" constructs in different ways, some of which are outlined below.^[1]

Results of research[edit]

Various studies explicitly try to elucidate the success, or lack thereof, of "nice guys" with women.^{[1][7][10][11]}

Jensen-Campbell et al. (1995) operationalized "niceness" as prosocial behavior, which included agreeableness and altruism. They found that female attraction was a result of an interaction of both dominance and prosocial tendency. They suggest that altruism may be attractive to women when it is perceived as a form of agentic behavior.

Nice guys are usually seen as twice as attractive as men who present themselves as neutral, and eight times more attractive than the "jerks" in a dating profile. Social dominance enhances female attraction to a male who has shown in the relationship niceness, traits of kindness and warmth stated by women looking for long-term relationships, and less status and physical attractiveness.^[12]

Sprecher and Regan (2002) found kindness, warmth, expressiveness, openness, and humor as desirable traits of a long-term partner. Social status indicators, such as future earning potential (wealth), were not viewed as more desirable traits when compared to the previous traits. Participants suggested they wanted more humor, expressiveness and warmth from their partner than is expressed with their friends.^[13]

Herold and Milhausen (1998) found that women are more likely to report wanting a nice guy but do not choose them in their real dating life. They also found that women perceived nice guys as having less sexual partners in general but perceived them as more eligible for dating. Women claim to prefer to date people who have less sexual experience. A third of the women, however, had reported dating multiple partners that had had more sexual experience than them. There was a dichotomist relationship between a woman’s perception of what a nice guy is and does and whether or not he “finishes last,” as the common adage states. If a woman believes that a nice guy is kind and respectful to women then they will say that he does not finish last. If the nice guy is perceived as being passive or unattractive then they will say that he does finish last.^[14]

Urbaniak and Killman (2003) constructed vignettes of four hypothetical dating show contestants: "Nice Todd" vs. "Neutral Todd" vs. "Jerk Todd" vs. "Michael", who was created to be a control. "Nice Todd" described a "real man" as "in touch with his feelings," kind and attentive, non-macho, and interested in putting his partner's pleasure first. "Neutral Todd" described a "real man" as someone who "knows what he wants and knows how to get it," and who is good to the woman he loves. "Jerk Todd" described a "real man" as someone who "knows what he wants and knows how to get it," who keeps everyone else on their toes, and avoids "touch-feely" stuff. "Michael" described a "real man" as relaxed and positive. In two studies, Urbaniak and Kilmann found that women claimed to prefer "Nice Todd" over "Neutral Todd" and "Jerk Todd," relative to "Michael" even at differing levels of physical attractiveness. They also found that for purely sexual relationships, "niceness appeared relatively less influential than physical attractiveness." After acknowledging that women's preference for "niceness" could be inflated by the social desirability bias, especially due to their use of verbal scripts, they conclude that "our overall results did not favor the nice guy stereotype; instead, our results suggested that women’s attitudes (as expressed in previous studies) do, in fact, generally match their behaviors. Niceness was a robust, positive factor in women’s choices of a dating partner and in how desirable they rated Todd."^[15]

McDaniel (2005) constructed vignettes of dates with a stereotypical "nice guy" vs. a stereotypical "fun/sexy guy," and attempted to make them both sound positive. Questionnaires were offered to a group of women in which they were presented with two scenarios, one involving the nice guy and the other involving the fun/sexy guy. The two variables being measured were the women’s likelihood of picking a nice guy versus a fun/sexy guy, and their reasons for so doing. It was found that there was a stronger correlation between a woman’s perceived positive traits in the man than in her goals for the dating relationship, both of which were measured in the questionnaire. The two traits that predicted likelihood for wanting to pursue a relationship were physical attractiveness and niceness/sweetness. However, if a man was perceived to be nice/sweet but was not found physically attractive it hurt his chances of a romantic relationship even more. In the study there was no way to directly measure the physical attractiveness of the men with whom they were presented; they only had information with which they could draw conclusions. Because they could not see the men and only had information to use, McDaniel found that this may suggest that women romanticize the idea of a nice/sweet guy, but often do not choose him because in reality he is likely to be less attractive than a so-called “jerk.”^[16]

A 2008 study at New Mexico State University in Las Cruces showed that "nice guys" report having significantly fewer sexual partners than "bad boys."^[17][18]

Barclay (2010) found that when all other factors are held constant, guys who perform generous acts are rated as more desirable for dates and long-term relationships than non-generous guys. This study used a series of matched descriptions where each male was presented in a generous or a control version which differed only in whether the man tended to help others. The author suggests that niceness itself is desirable to women, but tends to be used by men who are less attractive in other domains, and this is what creates the appearance of "nice guys finish last."^[19]

Judge et al (2011) concluded that "Nice guys do not necessarily finish last, but they do finish a distant second in terms of earnings ... yet, seen from the perspective of gender equity, even the nice guys seem to be making out quite well relative to either agreeable or disagreeable women."^[20]

Sadalla, Kenrick, and Vershure (1985) found that women were sexually attracted to dominance in men (though dominance did not make men likable to women), and that dominance in women had no effect on men. This may further suggest that the nice guy myth is one of sexual preference, and not of dating preference. Women appear in practically all studies to be accepting of romantic relationships with nice guys but are less likely to consider them casual sexual partners.

^[21]

Bogaert and Fisher (1995) studied the relationships between the personalities of university men and their number of sexual partners. They found a correlation between a man's number of sexual partners, and the traits of sensation-seeking, hypermasculinity, physical attractiveness, and testosterone levels. They also discovered a correlation between maximum monthly number of partners, and the traits of dominance and psychoticism. Bogaert and Fisher suggest that an underlying construct labelled "disinhibition" could be used to explain most of these differences. They suggest that disinhibition would correlate negatively with "agreeableness" and "conscientiousness" from the Big Five personality model.^[22]

Botwin, Buss and Shackelford (1997) found that women had a higher preference for surgency and dominance in their mates than men did, in a study of dating couples and newlyweds.^[23]

Ahmetoglu and Swami (2012) found that men were rated to be more attractive if women perceived them as more dominant, represented in the study by open body posture and gesticulation.^[24]

Other viewpoints[edit]

The "nice guys finish last" view[edit]

A common aphorism is that "nice guys finish last."^[10] The phrase is based on a quote by Brooklyn Dodgers manager Leo Durocher in 1946, which was then condensed by journalists.^[25][26] The original quote by Durocher was, "The nice guys are all over there, in seventh place" (6 July 1946),^[25][27] when referring to the 1946 New York Giants, who were the Dodger's rivals. The seventh place that Durocher was referring to was actually second-to-last place in the National League; many variants appear in later works,^[28] including Durocher's autobiography, Nice Guys Finish Last.^[29] The Giants would finish the 1946 season in the National League cellar, while Durocher's Dodgers would end up in second place.^[30]

Simplistically, the term "nice guy" could be an adjectival phrase describing what appears to be a friendly, kind, or courteous man. The "nice guys finish last" phrase is also said to be coined by American biologist Garrett Hardin to sum up the selfish gene theory of life and evolution. This was disputed by Richard Dawkins, who wrote the book The Selfish Gene. Dawkins was misinterpreted by many as confirming the "nice guy finishing last" view, but refuted the claims in the BBC documentary Nice Guys Finish First.^[31]

The "nice guys finish last" view is that there is a discrepancy between women's stated preferences and their actual choices in men. In other words, women say that they want nice guys, but really go for men who are "jerks" or "bad boys" in the end. This may lead to men’s discouragement in attempting to have casual sexual relationships with women and also in their pursuit of romantic relationships. Stephan Desrochers claims, in a 1995 article in the journal Sex Roles, that many "sensitive" men, based on their own personal experience, do not believe women actually want "nice guys." Because of this belief, men are less likely to pursue a romantic relationship with a woman if they perceive themselves as nice guys. If they do not believe that women will be sexually or romantically attracted to them because of their more feminine or “nice” traits, then they will likely be concerned, possibly another trait that leads to women’s preference for jerks. In other words, men who are more confident and worry less if they are being perceived a certain way are more likely to have a romantic or casual sexual relationship with a woman of their choice.^[32]

According to McDaniel, popular culture and dating advice "...suggest that women claim they want a 'nice guy' because they believe that is what is expected of them when, in reality, they want the so-called 'challenge' that comes with dating a not-so-nice guy."^[1]

Urbaniak & Kilmann write that:

"Although women often portray themselves as wanting to date kind, sensitive, and emotionally expressive men, the nice guy stereotype contends that, when actually presented with a choice between such a 'nice guy' and an unkind, insensitive, emotionally-closed, 'macho man' or 'jerk,' they invariably reject the nice guy in favor of his 'so-called' macho competitor."^[10]

Another perspective is that women do want "nice guys," at least when they are looking for a romantic relationship. Desrochers (1995) suggests that "it still seems popular to believe that women in contemporary America prefer men who are 'sensitive,' or have feminine personality traits." In a study done by Ahmetoglu and Swami (2012) it was found that women were more sexually attracted to men who had more dominant behaviors compared to men who were more closed off.^[33]

Herold and Milhausen^[34] found that 56% of 165 university women claimed to agree with the statement: "You may have heard the expression, 'Nice guys finish last.' In terms of dating, and sex, do you think women are less likely to have sex with men who are 'nice' than men who are 'not nice'?" A third view is that while "nice guys" may not be as successful at attracting women sexually, they may be sought after by women looking for long-term romantic relationships (however, "nice guys need not lose all hope, with studies showing that while women like 'bad boys' for flings, they tend to settle down with more caring types." The "bad boys" tending to exhibit the dark triad, i.e., "the self-obsession of narcissism, the impulsive, thrill-seeking and callous behavior of the psychopath and the deceitful and exploitative nature of Machiavellianism." It is a possibility that women leave to escape their circumstances of abuse, disease, or pregnancy to seek a chance with the nice guy (they rejected previously), afterwards.^[35]

Herold and Milhausen claim: "While 'nice guys' may not be competitive in terms of numbers of sexual partners, they tend to be more successful with respect to longer-term, committed relationships." This is due to the ‘nice guys’ generally denote an interest in long-term relationships rather than the concept that a ‘jerk’ is only around to have sexual partners and will move on sooner for their lack of interest in long-term relationships.^[34]

Another study indicates that "for brief affairs, women tend to prefer a dominating, powerful and promiscuous man." Further evidence appears in a 2005 study in Prague: "Since women can always get a man for a one-night stand, they gain an advantage if they find partners for child-rearing."^[36]

"Nice Guy" syndrome[edit]

The terms "Nice Guy" and "nice guy syndrome" can be used sarcastically to describe a man who views himself as a prototypical "nice guy," but whose "nice deeds" are deemed to be solely motivated by a desire to court women. From said courting, the 'nice guy' may hope to form a romantic relationship or may be motivated by a simple desire to increase his sexual activity. The results of failure are often resentment toward women and/or society. The 'nice guy' is commonly said to be put by women "into the friend zone" who do not reciprocate his romantic or sexual interest. These men believe in this motive because of the societal roles that say women belong to them. A reasoning behind this can be because women are sexualized in video games, television, and movies. Third wave feminist interpretations tend to see this resentment as being based upon an assumption by men that they are entitled to sex and are therefore confused when they find that it is not forthcoming despite their supposed 'niceness.'^[37] More male orientated interpretations claim that the resentment is down to the fact that society, and the vast majority of people in spoken conversation, claim to be attracted to traits such as honesty, integrity and kindness, when in reality more superficial considerations trigger attraction. According to this interpretation people who display wealth, good looks, dominance and confidence tend to succeed more in romance than do 'nice guys.' Nice guys are therefore resentful at the inconsistency between what people claim to be attracted to and by how they act in reality.^[38][39] At times, these men are also known by the term "white knight."

In early 2002, the web site Heartless Bitches International (HBI)^[40] published several "rants" on the concept of the Nice Guy. The central theme was that a genuinely nice male is desirable, but that many Nice Guys are insecure men unwilling to articulate their romantic or sexual feelings directly. Instead, they choose to present themselves as their paramour's friend, and hang around, doing nice things for her in hopes that she will pick up on their desire for her. If she fails to read their secret feelings, Nice Guys become embittered and blame her for taking advantage of them and their niceness. The site is particularly critical of what they see as hypocrisy and manipulation on the part of self-professed Nice Guys.^[41][42]

According to journalist Paris Martineau, the incel and red pill movements (part of the anti-feministmanosphere) recruit depressed, frustrated men – who may suffer from "Nice Guy syndrome" – into the alt-right.^[43]

See also[edit]

References[edit]